


Breaking In A Heart

by Symmet



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: AU - Trespasser divergent, Angst like no body's business, F/M, Happy??? Ending, I suppose, Solamancer business, becoming spirit, well no
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 13:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5050456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Symmet/pseuds/Symmet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She only wants to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking In A Heart

**Author's Note:**

> What if Trespasser went a little differently...? ;)

"There is only death for this. I would not have you see what I become.”

“And what about what I become? Do you care?”

“Of course I care. You can yet have some respite. As I said, the Qunari -“

“I’m not asking about the Qunari, Solas.”

He quiets, still, quirks an ear but not a smile.

“What would you have become of me, exactly? What do you expect me to do?” She sounds exasperated, almost, but there is so much hopelessness in her tone that Solas could never mistake it for such.

“I… I would have you live the rest of your life in peace. While it lasts.” He said softly. Even as the words left his mouth he knew they were the wrong ones. Even before he caught the scowl twisting her mouth.

She jerked up her arm, “Me? In peace? With this?” she let it fall back down, “And even if I didn’t have the mark, it’s not like I would have anywhere to go.” A slight waver in her voice slipped out and was lost to the wind.

His eyes flickered to her face, but her expression remained impassive, gaze coolly leveled his way.

Perhaps he had taught her how to wear a mask too well.

She broke eye contact, glaring now at an offending patch of grass, “Where would I go? I have no home - no family. It’s not as if -“ A harsh bark escaped her, “I can waltz into another clan, asking they forgive the fact that I’ve become some… some figurehead for the Chantry! Never mind my…” Her other hand had risen towards her face, a look of emptiness flickering across it, but she swallowed heavily and swung her arms behind her back, her entire body dipping with the motion. She was digging her nails into the flesh of her palms, Solas knew. Knew because it was a habit that had taken him forever to break from her. Knew because he could smell the barest hint of blood on the sharp air.

“You could live with Varric in Kirkwall, or Dorian in the Imperium, or aid Sera with her Red Jennies.” It sounded weak to his own ears.

Her face twisted, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Perhaps I shall go become a warden, live deep underground. You’d never have to think about me again, let alone see my bare face.” She spat the words out, but there were tears in her voice, and when she whirled around to stalk a couple paces away and recollect herself, Solas did not follow her.

He blanched, “Vhenan, I did not mean it like that.” He said morosely, “I just… you are fond of them.”

“Well if fondness is the only thing left to me.” She said bitterly under her breath before returning to stand in front of him. She braced her back and tilted her chin up definitely. Her eyes shown with tears.

_I am broken, not bowed. You will see what you have done to me - I’ll not hide it in shame._

His heart ached at the small act of rebellion. Of her glittering eyes, of the way she could not seem to look at him for longer than a moment, could not seem to bear it, of the way her brows furrowed when she looked upon his wardrobe. His heart ached, and it was all he could do not to reach out and touch her.

“What do you want from me?” She said suddenly, and the defiance melted into something like begging. He recoiled, from what he had done to her. He had broken her spirit, her rare and marvelous spirit.

“I don’t want anything from you, vhenan.” he exclaimed, voice cracking. Before he could beg her to forgive him she hissed.

“Liar! Can you not go a moment without lying to my face?” Her face had twisted, tears falling, pain on every feature.

“I am not -“ He began, but she cut him off.

“You are! So tell me, Dread Wolf, what should I do? What can I do? You seem to know everything. I am asking your advice! Or is it only worth sharing when it is scraps of the dinner, when every answer you have is 'I learned it in the fade!’. No? So tell me, then, what does one do when they are meant to hunt alone?” Her voice had splintered, sharp and bright, breath coming out in short gasps.

“Ir abelas-“ He began.

“T’abelas, Solas! If you are sorry, give me the truth!”

He had backed away from her at some point, hands high to defend himself from the cuts of her blows. “What can I say?” he hissed, “That if I let you come with me, I would kill myself from the guilt of what I have done to you? That I would not be able to forgive myself for what you would see me become? That -“ his voice broke from the weight of the truth “That every moment I spend at your side it gets harder for me to fulfill my duty? That I might give it all up for you?”

He had not meant to share the truth. But he was selfish. He wanted to push her away but have her keep loving him. He wanted to tell her he didn’t deserve her love and then hope she never found another. He was selfish and disgusting and wrong.

“But I want to _help_!” She exclaimed, “What is there in this world that you will not deny me? Why must I die alone? Why can I not die by your side?” The anger had melted from her face to fully recognize the pain - the _pleading_.

“I cannot. I don’t have the strength. You must move on to a happier life, if brief -” He begged her to understand.

“Don’t tell me you want me to have a happy life when you are the only thing in this forsaken world that makes me happy!” She sobbed, “ _Don’t_! Not when I don’t have anything else to live for!” Her fists balled up and came to her eyes, her heels pressed into the sockets, as if she could stop the tears. A great sob racked her body, bowing her back and bending her knees, “Not when I don’t have anyone else to die for.”

She fell to her knees then, and curse him, fool that he was, he followed. Wrapped his arms around her, still surprised when she melted into his embrace. Heart breaking with every shake of her body against his from her sobs.

A few moments or hours passed, he could not tell, but eventually her noises stopped and her trembling ceased. His hand stroked her head, face still bowed into his neck. His entire body ached, ached from missing how he held her, ached from knowing he would have to let her go.

“Vhenan.” He said softly, “I will not ask you to stay beside me through this. I… I am _selfish_. I don’t want you to see what I must become. I… I want the version of me that you loved to remain untarnished so that when I… so that I may be remembered in a way no one else left will.”

Her head rose, his hand instantly dropping to his side, and she rested a tear stained cheek on his neck. A finger by his side twitched, but he did not move to tuck away the strand of hair that lay askew across her face. He looked down at her, letting his ache show, “Vhenan,” he murmured, drinking in her bright eyes, full lips, the freckles that danced across her face, “I love you so.”

Her eyebrows rose, and then she scowled, “Well fucking act like it.” She mumbled petulantly into the fur collar wrapped around his back. Despite himself, Solas burst out laughing, soft, surprised chuckles. He finally tapped them down she was looking at him sadly. She reached out with one hand to gently stroke his cheek.

“Let me stay beside you, Solas. Do not deny me the journey the rest of you takes. Do not leave your Heart behind.” She said softly.

He shook his head even as the pain of it made him bow his head. She crowded into his space, pressing her forehead to his, hand still on his cheek, warm and soft.

“I… I don’t think I would be able to continue my plans if that happened, vhenan. I… inevitably I would choose you over my duty and I cannot allow -“

She hushed him, “I am you heart, Solas. Its not your duty _or_ your heart - it can be both. I want only to help you. I am not making you choose between me and something else.”

Solas began to tremble, his hands coming up to grab her by the shoulders, shake her gently and press their foreheads closer together, “I will not be able to let you go. I can see that I will not be able to tear the Veil down knowing that you could - would die!”

“Then I would tear it down for you.” She swore solemnly, then pouted when he started.

“I would die anyways,” She said gently, “I have nothing to your lifespan.”

He choked, “Logically, I know that. But I know also that I would destroy my own efforts in a bid to save you. I would use the energy to make you immortal rather than lose you. And I cannot -“

“I know, I know, cannot this, cannot that.” She snapped, sighing. Her arms rose to wrap around his neck, bury her fingers in the pelt. Her scent would remain there for days. It would be equal parts agony and joy to him, he knows, but he does not lean away. Because he is selfish, and he will take as many moments as he can before they are split again, heart away from heart. They were silent for a moment, before she took a deep breath and said, “When you tear down the Veil, I will die. But I will never leave you, Solas. I will become spirit, and I will find my way back to you.”

“You do not know that,” he said desperately, “And even if you did become spirit, you would not be whole. You would be only fragments of what you were.”

“So? You would collect them. Piece me back together.” As he began to shake his head, she clicked at him, “You would, we both know you would. And even if you didn’t, I would still find my way back to you.” She spoke so calmly, with such determination, such faith that he stumbled.

“You have thought about this before!” He exclaimed softly, not sure if he was accusing or not.

To his surprise, she flushed slightly,”You tearing down the Veil and raining death on all the peoples of Thedas? No, can’t say I have. But. But..” she cleared her throat, bending her head as she looked for the words to speak, her forehead so close that without much thought, Solas leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss there. She sighed, "I used to… I used to have nightmares. About us dying. Together. In a cave or surrounded by templars or… I don’t know. Corypheus happened a lot.” He watched her with patient confusion as she struggled to say what she wanted.

He felt her picking at the pelt, eyes caught on her own hands, and stifling a chuckle, he patted the offending hand with a slightly chiding, “ _Vhenan_.” 

She startles, “Sorry.” She mumbles abashedly.

_For a moment they were in the wilds, away from the rest of their company as he tried to teach her the ancient language, her getting distracted by a bug or flower. He would look up from the book he was reading aloud to properly admonish her and she’d place a crown of flowers on his head, laugh bubbling up bright and golden, so much so that he couldn’t be angry._

The memory fades as she groans and dips her forehead back into the niche of his neck. _Safe_ , she felt safe there. Even now, even after everything he had done. Solas has never felt so happy and so repulsive at the same time.

“It’s just -“ A nervous laugh bubbled up from against his neck, making his skin tickle, and he would have address that if her next words had not completely blanked his mind, “I would become a demon.”

The silence stretches on as he tries to understand.

“What,” He finally rasps out, “What do you mean by -“

“In the dream, we would die and, and I would become a rage demon. Or a despair demon. I don’t think I ever became a desire demon, but maybe? I was mostly angry. I would rip anything - everything that was in front of me. And I’ve never doubted it. That I would become something after. It was always nightmares so I always became a demon, but -“ her voice hitched, “But it doesn’t have to be that way. I could…”

His heart nearly rent itself in two when he saw her bite her lip anxiously before her hand darted out to grab his and entwine their fingers. As if he would have stopped her. As if he had the strength left in him to deny what they were. She hid her face in his neck again, to hide her blush or her reaction if he rejected her, he did not know. “I could stay with you. Forever. For as long as you would have me.” She mumbled into his neck, her entire body tensing.

His arms wrapped around her, fingers still entwined with hers as he pulled her arm behind her back. Even as he prepared himself to tell her no, again, because that was all he did, refuse to give her anything while she gave and gave to save people in a world he would obliterate in the blink of an eye, she stirred.

Her head rose up, hair a mess, eyes bright, brows drawn, mouth set in determination.

That was her 'I’m about to face down a dragon and **live** ' look, as Varric had once aptly named it. It had sent shivers down Solas’ spine whenever he’d seen it before, hunger curling in his belly, but now it gave him gooseflesh for an entirely different reason.

Her eyes, bright, golden, opening up into his own, daring him to stop her. Giving him a chance.

“You told me once-“ her throat closed and she started again, never blinking, “You told me once that we could be together in another world.”

He froze.

“Did you not mean the one you plan to make?” She said steadily, “Was that not what you meant?”

His hands shook when he placed them on each side of her face, thumbs drawing across her brow to smooth her skin, fingers tucking errant hairs behind her lovely ears.

When he didn’t answer, something pained flickered in her expression, as if she felt he was preparing her for the end, “Could you not think about it? Please?”

Even now, after everything, she still thinks to ask. He means to say no. He feels it rise from his throat, lay itself pliantly on his lips.

“Ma nuvim.” he murmurs hoarsely instead, bending to place kisses on her brow.

She bends into his touch, like a heart returning home.

And she was.

She _was._


End file.
